Life is a quest itself. How brave we are, how unknowing, marvelously mysterious, and mystical it all is. Human life for instance, an egg and a sperm meet inside the inner cavities of a woman, the egg chooses her sperm, the settings are right (most fertilized eggs do not make it, the quest past the inner tunnels of the Fallopian tubes and into the uterus is daunting and most zygotes do not surive), and abra cadabra if all goes more or less right we have a human being 9-10 months later, a whole Being who will have loves, desires, fears, doubts, heartbreaks, passions, depressions, dreams, the whole life bit, a human being quoi; knits in the caves of the woman. Magic I say.
Indeed life is a quest full of danger, sacrifice, love, and magic a hell of a lot of magic.
I forgot that why Pierre and I are doing this voyage is for the quest itself…
My dear/sweet/totally lovable and completely himself beef jerky and all Dad is now sailing with us until Martinique. He had a brain injury several years back and I have been worried how the whole sailing experience with its unbalance, waves, and sparse luxuries would be for him. He got very sick, it broke my heart hearing my Dad vomit and struggle to keep his balance bouncing around our tiny boat. The magic and folklore of this trip quickly vanished for us both I think.
Somehow in talking with him later about how he’s been doing while on our boat, « Now » which has these past few days felt more like « Deathtrap », I remembered the why,
Pierre and I are on a life quest.
I have been on quests before, the common thread I’ve found in all quests is in the beginning a call, an insatiable hunger pang for something different, an inner knowing that it is time to leave and an unknowing for what awaits on this quest. I’ve often realized the why of the quest after as if defining the mission before and during the quest somehow diminishes its value. How in the Jewish tradition, you do not speak the name of God, the Great I am, because just by giving a name to this Mystery you define the undefinable.
When I went to India, the quest became to learn how to really love myself. I remember a shaman healer I worked with in India had a WhatsApp group where every day we the participants wrote one thing a day that we loved about ourselves; later it was three ways that we showed love to ourselves in a day; I asked my Mom to join the group and she called me a few days later weeping, she could not do it, she did not know how to love herself. My heart broke for her and I saw myself… How could I learn to love myself from a mother who herself did not know how? I did the work of my life and through the dusty streets, long solitary walks, lassis, roadside chai, 4 am temple visits, my tantric lover, apartment meditations with my Russian sister roommates, crazy harping jobs, curries, past life regression therapy, hypnotherapy, and dirty roses and rivers I learned how to love myself. I met, « HerWhose Name we do say » inside and she danced and made love to me. India sweet Momma India, I love you forever
When I went to New Zealand, it was a quest to separate out from the heavy weight of my uncle just going to prison for raping me during my childhood and years of legal trails and recurring bouts of anorexia and bulimia for me. It was a Remembering of the Holy in me, a finding the quiet place, coming back to my Song. I lived alone in a small hut, a kuti, in the middle of the forest in a Theravada buddhist monastery and at nights would wake up, go outside and stare at all the stars, feeling held by the cosmos in all the Wonder. It was here in the silence I heard the harp again and Remembered the Song. The quest was to remember…
What does this quest mean for Pierre and I?
Now we can’t define what we will learn but some of the why’s for the desire to go questing are;
Creating a new life for our son, a life that is deeply connected to nature, to intuition, to music, to heart, to the wind, to adventure, and to world community. It may all sound rainbows and unicorns but damnit in this world of chaos and people losing hope left and right we want to be a part of the team working for Magic, believing in the power of healing and Mother Earth and that we can create a new world together… A desire for a simpler life, one that we can more easily hear our inner voices and rescind to Beauty. A need to create our own family in our own way without the pressure of doing it like so and so... perhaps a need for space. A desire to « Saccorder », the name of our project, to Tune into ourselves, others and Mother Earth.
The quest is on dear Friends
The sails and the songs sing Her Name.